Life I Don't Have to Live

"I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind."

-Bright Eyes in "Lover I Don't Have To Love"

I think way more than is healthy for the average being. Lately I have realized that that is a fact. Perhaps nothing else in this world is fact, but that seems to be. I spent 9 1/2 hours working at u-pick yesterday, and it was quite a slow day. Thus, I had very much time to myself. I had brought two books with me, sudoku, and my ipod. I read about ten pages of The Prince and the Pauper, played a couple games of sudoku, but largely I just listened to music and pondered the world.

These days sometimes I think I would be completely content to lay on the floor of my room and blast Bright Eyes. Bright Eyes seems to be the one thing that can really describe my life (well, perhaps not my life as it does not revolve around music, sex, and drugs, as Conor's seems to) or how I feel lately. I think there is very much to be said about letting everything go and just chilling to some good music. An entire generation did it a few decades ago at Woodstock, and I think that it can really help you figure a lot out.

Life has been unnecessarily worrisome as I'm trying to figure various things out. I think I've been reading life as well as people wrong, which may screw me up, but nonetheless, I must trust my instincts. I'm wondering if I can really rely on anything in this world. Friends, religion, interests...most things fall through eventually. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I think that there definitely are things that will make it through. I think that faith can, but religion can't. I'm trying to strip it all down to the bottom, and I think that what remains will be a good foundation. Then I can build it all up again. But nothing can happen until I do that. Part of me thinks this is a really lazy way to go about things, but part of me thinks I'm really doing what I need to do.

This doesn't make sense to anyone except for me. But that's what this blog is for, to write for me. I need to figure things out because I feel like I've been a wreck lately. Little things are suddenly very important. I need to straighten out my priorities.

For instance, I'm freaking out about small plans. Meanwhile, my favorite band Relient K who I've met...well, just about twice (met lead singer twice, others once)...is currently trying to recover from their tourbus burning down last week. They were driving in Pennsylvania or somewhere like that at 3 am and Matt T (previously mentioned lead singer) all the sudden saw flames in the back of the bus and started screaming and they all got out. I guess it was really fortunate that they all got out of the bus because the fire was so bad. Nonetheless, all of their instruments and all of their possessions--ipods, cameras, laptops (including Matt's that had 100+ unfinished songs on it)--are gone. That sucks. Bad. And I'm freaking out about little things.

I've felt quite unwanted in certain situations, and some people have hurt me much more than they think so, I do believe.

"Love's an excuse to get hurt and to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do
I do
then hurt me"

Bright Eyes...same song...one of the best!

I read way too much into certain things. And I do believe that I've had enough of rambling about things that won't even make sense to me tomorrow. Unfortunately, apparently people like to eat watermelons and raspberry ribbon pies with American flags on top made of blueberries and raspberries on the Fourth of July. Thus, I will be at work in nine hours and 53 minutes. Shouldn't I get time and a half for that?

Currently reading: The Prince and the Pauper...finished Narnia in Spanish and i believe I understood the greater part of it. That's exciting

Currently listening to: Sheryl Crow in an effort to listen to my entire Never Played playlist. Now done to 216 songs. Holy freaking cow. 216 songs. I am so proud of myself.

Here's to things turning out right.